As a mother of four beautiful, strong-willed, adventures boys aged 4 years to 18!
These are my 13 tips so that inshaAllah with knowledge, guidance and purposeful intent we can raise responsible, resilient, compassion boys!
1.Speak your truth with courage and without aggression. Stand up for yourself and what you believe is right. The truth harq is meant to be spoken without fear of people. We are a people of justice. It may not always be easy, but it will always feel better in the end than sitting back and doing nothing. You can do this!
2.Follow your heart instinct because your body will tell you and trust that it is right. I have never left a situation that I ignored, despite feeling strongly in a different direction and not feel horrible. Trust your gut. If it feels like you shouldn’t be doing it, chances are it isn’t a good idea.
3.I will teach you about emotional abuse because I don’t want you to be a bully, and don’t put up with people bullying you or anyone else. Your heart is NO ONE emotional punching bag. People will follow your lead. The way you treat people is a reflection of yourself. Be confident, caring and humble at the same time. Use this technique instead of your hands. Self-respect is everything, my son
“I feel angry when you take my PlayStation without asking because I am not allowed to let other people play with it when I’m not around. I want you to ask me before you play it. I don’t want you to play without asking me.”
Though I-Messages can take many forms, the following template can be helpful as you first teach your child this assertive communication technique:
I feel (feeling)___________
when ____(describe behavior)____
because __(concrete effect or consequence on situation)_____
I want _____(describe desired behavior)_____
I don’t want (describe behavior to be discontinued)_________
4.There will come a time when you are pressured to do something that is dangerous or just a poor moral choice. We all make mistakes, but I am pleading with you to stop and think before doing anything that just seems wrong before you do it. In times of uncertainty, ask yourself this question “what would Allahswt want me to do?
5.Happiness is a choice. I will keep holding you accountable for the “I cants” because I know with full conviction it is “I can”. Always choice contentment. This life is a test and we will have ups and downs, but always make the choice to find the positive, not dwell on the negative things that happen. Remember there is khair goodness in all situations, good and bad and in Allahswt we put our trust in his life planning.
6.Remember it’s healthy to feel and always to give yourself permission to feel and express HOW you feel. Putting a wall up to protect themselves from hurt and pain will only cause you to disconnect from the most significant people in their lives.
Below are some vital ingredients to help provide a roadmap for emotional development:
A calm and accurate mirror and label for the child’s feelings, so that the child or teen can see clearly and better understand what they are feeling
Understanding and empathizing with their experiences and challenges
Firm and consistent limits that are appropriate for their developmental stage
Modeling of healthy expression of emotions (how I deal with my anger will have a bearing)
Open-ended questions to encourage meaningful dialogue.
7.Learn to clean the toilet! Always wash yourself-period. Your body is changing and when you notice these changes, this is the best time to see some male you trust and feel comfortable with, to talk about your body changes and smells. To learn ghusal and removal of new hair. It’s all sign of the new men your becoming.
8.Choose your Friends wisely. Turn to those with whom you can develop authentic, emotionally honest relationships. Ones without put-downs. Your brother may get on your nerves, but someday, they will be your best friends, your heroes and greatest allies. Do right to the, and priories them over friends.
9.Self-control and anger. Boy, do I talk to you about this one! Yes, my son, you need to know that, ultimately, you are the one in charge of how you react to your feelings. I will teach you what is underneath your anger, what could be your triggers and what emotion is showing up. This discussion in when your not angry and open discussion not to shame you, but the important discussion so we can learn this important skills of self-control and label those big emotions. I will always call you to action that physical force and threats are unacceptable and not allowed and only weak men use them.
10.Technology impacts and that is why I will keep restricting your access and time to what is recommended because as psychologist Ruth Atchley and David L. Strayer found it to boosts creative problem-solving skills drastically by shutting off technology and getting into and connected to nature. Being adventurous, sports, connection to nature and outdoors will always be your stress reliever. Studies show being outdoors lowers stress and anxiety, boost self-esteem, and realize endorphins. A recent study published in Proceedings found that spending time in nature decreases negative thoughts significantly.
11.Never do a comparison! It breeds jealous and inferior complex. I pray you always count your two roses and one thorn each day (two things you’re grateful for and one thing that was a challenge or lesson that day). That you always carry gratitude towards what Allahswt has given you.
12.Please don’t ever stop talking to me, or asking to spend time alone with me. I absolutely adore this time and it’s important to me, and I know I am busy and have heaps to do but Please. Please. Please. never block me out! Come to me and let me know when you need special connection.
13.I pass you the greatest advice my mother gave to me as a child and teenager, and one I learnt the most in the time of when your parents divorced. I knew and he kept showing me, that true reliance, attachment, love and trust must be from the source of the Giver, the most merciful of those that show mercy. This saying changed my life at that time and helped me to take the steps towards a life of contentment, growth and seeking authenticity and deep awareness in the pursuit of Allahswt pleasure.
“In accordance with how good your expectations of and hope in Allah SWT are and how truthful your reliance and trust are in him, Allahswt will not betray your hopes in the least, as He swt does not betray your hopes of those who hope and does not cause any effort to go to waste” Said by Abu-Muhammad al-Maqdisi.
To my sons…I love you. I will always love you. I hope and pray you grow up into a compassion, resilient, kind, responsible Muslim man! If you remember only one part of these lessons, remember that.
Trust in Allahswt, always hold onto hope, and believe in yourself, he has your back!